words FOR real

Happiness Wk2;T1

2007-07-20T21:18:00.001+08:00

Defined as;
1. State of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy
2. Emotions experienced when in a state of well-being

This topic shall cover,
1. What makes people happy?
2. What does happiness do for us?
3. How do we make ourselves happy?
4. Happiness qoutes and poems
5. Problems and Experience on Happiness

So what does make people happy?

As a matter of fact, i found a website that states 5 keys to happiness, taking a poll of which of the 5 is actually the highest polled key to happiness.

Here are the keys to happiness with the percentage of the poll taken at [source]
1. Mental Attitude 59%
2. Love 23%
3. Achievements 8%
4. Creativity 5%
5. Money 5%

It elaborates a lot about happiness there and i am quite impressed at how they summed it up.
However, in my topic, we shall not really just dwell in the key to happiness.
I feel that these 5 keys are too huge and i need to break it down to how we normal teens see happiness.

First of all to us teens, what are...

Mental Attitude: A complex mental state involving beliefs and feelings and values and dispositions to act in certain ways
Love: Usually mistaken for infatuation, but love is actually "A strong positive emotion of regard and affection"
Achievement: The action of accomplishing something
Creativity: The ability to create
Money: tell me who dont know money?

Examples of these keys to happiness are...
positivity, healthy-mind, resilience, optimism [mental attitude]
affection, family love, friendship, relationship, sex, hugs, kisses, marriage [love]
popularity, idolized, academic success, work success [achievement]
inventions, creations, expressions [creativity]
cash, 'plastics', atms, cards [money]

Is this what makes people happy?

Yes and No. It would be dependent on the individuals' need.
If achieving your need is what makes people happy, then why is achievement the third in the key of happiness?
After thinking it over, i realize that 'hey, if making ourselves happy is what we get from what we needed, then achievement is to be the first answer.'
Then again, i am contradicted by another information saying that,
" If you judge your situation as bad for you, that's unhappiness. If you judge a situation as good for you, that's happiness. " [source]

If judging is what motivates happiness, therefore happiness is within the mind as it is the mind that judges objects, people and things.
So if you are being unhappy, find something that you can be happy about, to at least lessen the negative impact of unhappiness within your mind, body and spirit =)

So to make people happy, psychology is important with the aid of emotional happiness such as love for example.
If for key5 to key2 is a failure, key1 needs to be boosted to overlap the negativity that those failures bring.
With the fact that everyone such as yourself, can actually find true happiness by the means of using the strength of your psychology.

So starting being happy by starting your day with a good and healthy mind.

What does it do for us after we have acquired a fresh psychological belief on making happiness?

Categorized to six groups that i would explain, of which you can see the [source] and read more on it. However, this source only provide the different category that happiness affect us.

1. Outlook in life
- being happier actually causes our outlook to be more bright and ultimately positive
2. Health
- believed to be linked to happiness with the outcome of longevity [source]
3. Marriage
- happiness draw to us good karma and aura just giving us a higher chance of finding the right spouse and less prone to divorces
4. work
- productive outcomes from doing work.
5.Vigilance
- alert minded of the happy mind makes one vigilant enough to be fresh at mind and fast to respond mentally
6. Events
- events in life such as having good lucks are attracted to us

So would you like all this aspect of yours wants/needs be fulfilled? BE HAPPY.

How then do we make ourselves happy?

Easy!
Use your psychology.
The strength of our psychology is too vast to form its limitations. Human brain power is still very much a great wonder, it should be the first world wonder.
However, if we are truly overcome with sadness, i do suggest that you get through it the way that you can e.g. cry it all out, blow off steam
Be positive in what makes you sad and then after you have released your emotional damage, start by rebooting your psychology.
This is when you can truly catch up and be more secure and mentally responsive to what has occurred.

ONE MORE NICE THING to make ourselves happy.

it is something that i will try... CHOCOLATES!!! [source]

Before i end, there are some quotes of happiness and poems to show you.

"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." – Nathaniel Hawthorne

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

– Mahatma Gandhi

Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy now. Don't wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether it's at work or with your family. Every minute should be enjoyed and savored.

– Earl Nightingale

True Happiness

The warmth of the sun,
The touch of your hand,
The waves against my feet,
This is true happiness.

My father’s smile,
My mother’s laughter,
My brother’s love,
This is true happiness.

Making you laugh,
Making you smile,
Making you see that there’s more to me,
This is true happiness.

Doing this,
Writing,
Feeling, emoting,
This is true happiness.

Dancing, but not only dancing,
Giving it my whole, my being,
Becoming the dance,
This is true happiness.

Seeing your face when you realize
That I’m always me, with or without you.
Me realizing that I don’t need you.
This is true happiness.

Gabriell Davis

the last but not least of course...
My views on happiness. Why did i say that there are problems and experiences that contradicts full happiness?
That is a bitter truth.
I mean how many among are really happy? How many among us have worn out our psychology in trying to be happy?
There are countless possible people who can vouch for what i say now.
I am one of them and i dont see that happiness caused by psychology, is a little bit fake.
But why it tops the key to happiness is because we know that if we were more resistant to this or that, we can actually be more happy. [this or that are something that i assume negative]
Mental Attitude is something that all of us are capable of, but this is what we do not really use to maximize our happiness.
Instead, we see that it it a key to happiness after we have been very sad and in the verge of being six feet away from edge, think whether to do it or not.
I admit to fake happiness.
No one knows it but me and HIM. Why i do this is not because i really feel the need to be a self-hypocrite, but because i need to try to be happy even though i know that i am too far away from it.
Also, when it comes to events of break-ups, divorce, death - you cannot be HAPPY.
Unless of course, that is your needs - achieving it is therefore, happiness.
A very sadistic and violent way of wanting to be happy.
Please try not to resort to that unless you are under attack and obviously in need of defense

Whatever kind of happiness that we wish to accomplish, we should always need to remember that...

"Finding happiness is like finding yourself. You don't find happiness, you make happiness. You choose happiness. Self-actualization is a process of discovering who you are, who you want to be and paving the way to happiness by doing what brings YOU the most meaning and contentment to your life over the long run."

– David Leonhardt

"Happiness, to me, is something that once is found would give you a huge esteem boost."

Mary Jean Bautista

EX FLAMES; Let it burn ...

2007-07-13T22:24:00.002+08:00

so i sat myself down for this super long and juicy post.
i was thinking of how to start it, then again i realize that writing should come from
experience and it is full of emotions when it is spontaneous.
so here i go...

i dedicate this post to :
1. PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL TRYING TO GET OVER THEIR EXES
2. PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL STUCK WITH THEM
3. PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO GET THEIR NAMES CLEARED OFF THEIR EXES
4. PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL TRYING TO CONVEY THE MESSAGE THAT "I DONT LOVE HIM LIKE I DID"
5. PEOPLE WHO JUST FEEL INTERESTED IN EX FLAMES' PROBLEMS

i cannot promise that this post will help, but at least i hope that it can get you thinking.

People ask me if i still love my ex flame, who happens to be my very real first love.
Sometimes, i feel that i do still but then there are times that i dont. WHY?
I did not understand why i felt as such until it comes to mind that i am not as in love with him as i used to be.
There was a time when i can straight away say that i do love him still.
There was a time that he is all i think about and i admit that he is the only content of my heart.
However, that time is already in oblivion.

We decided to call our relationship off on April 2006 after officially going on for 4 months and unofficially being together for almost a year, after "almostly" being together for 2 1/2 years. (Yes, long long long emotional ties...)
My story with him is what i call the bittersweet side of my life.

So, after the official break, we still went on till i completely left him on November 2006.
Along those moments, i was dating other guys, he was with other girls too.
It was really horribly fun. I learnt a lot and i hurt a lot...
I swallowed my pain and i learnt to be strong.
If it wasnt for him, every strength that i have now is non-existence.
Because of him, i resisted that one person i used to love so much - him.

WHY i left him? It was the last nerve he pulled. It was the last bite i can give him.
He did not have faith in me, he was too childish, he was complacent due to my love for him, he LOVED his friends more than he did our relationship.
I knew he loved me, i felt it through his touch, the way he looked, the way he calls on me and the way he kisses me.

He has something lacking in him, A MANHOOD - he do not stand on his own principles, he did not have his own back, his own mind and his own needs and wants.
Honestly i say it here that i am happy.
WHY? Because no matter how much i loved him, i did not have sex with him. It would be much harder to let go if he took my first blood.

The good side of him is that, he was there when i needed him. He was there when i need someone to cry on, he was there to hold me and to take me away from other storms.
Even though he claims he is not there, he WAS.
Even though he claims he does not need to put me first, he DID.
Even though he seem to be able to see me cry, he COULDNT.
Even though it seems that he would choose anyone over me, he DIDNT.
Even though as if he will turn and leave when i anger him, he STAYED.
Even though he seem as if he dont love me, he DID.
And even though it seems as if he dont need me, he just so DID...

Im a sucker for those...

So, now even though everyone still says that we both will end up being together again.
Though everyone says that i wont resist him, especially that one friend who was the cause of the end of our relationship, I SHOWED EVERYONE that i can resist him.
All the time that i chanced upon the place he is, be with the people he is with, go to the place he goes and go to his grand uncle's place, IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT I STILL WANT TO BE WITH YOU DARYL.

Get a life and stop thinking that i still bother to be your future.
Be wise enough to know when to feel that i am trying my luck to get you back.
I admit i ALMOST tried to. But i could not, i was too overwhelmed by those horrid things that you are now.
BUT IF I HAVE WANTED TO DO THAT LIKE YOU THINK I ALWAYS DO, I WOULD HAVE DONE SO THAT DAY YOU CALLED ON ME.
so to you all, let me move on and stop pressing on me stories that you think can get to me and force me to be emotional.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That was my ex flames problem.
People who are not updated in those department do assume on things A LOT.

I know there are those of you who are still in that phase of "getting over the past".
No one is trying to tell you to be in a hurry. IF THEY ARE, be assertive enough to get over them at your own phase with the GOAL that you are LETTING GO - and please let them know about it.
You need not set yourself a time to get over them, because to my perspective, getting over someone just happens and when it does, you will know it.

LEMME GIVE YOU THREE ADVICE:

1. THERE IS NO ONE BUT YOU WHO CAN DICTATE YOURSELF TO BE HAPPY
2. THERE IS NO ONE BUT YOU WHO CAN TELL YOURSELF HOW TO LET GO
3 YOUR FRIENDS ARE JUST PILLARS YOU CAN LEAN ON BUT THEY CANT BE YOUR SALVATIONS

Nothing special really. This are the things that i have gained knowledge of.
Some of us tend to think that others can help us get through this.
Most of us should be familiar with the phrase "It's all in the mind..."
But then again, most of us are familiar with the saying "It's easier said than done!"
So whatever you do, both of them are true according to your own beliefs.
No one can force it on you and no one should.
As friends, all of us should do is just be there for them.
No matter how annoyed you are about having to hear the same subject over and over again, some just uses this technique to getting over that ex flame.

WHEN TO LET IT BURN?
- When you are ready to let things go (no one knows except you!)
but if you as hopeless and you dont know when, then have some alone time to reflect and focus.

- When there is nothing else to be done about your situation but to move on.
of course you have to ask second opinion about this... sometimes, those pillars have been there long enough to know about your situation. just tell them to be neutral.

- When you have reached the point when you are worn out and beaten up to pieces by the very person you have loved
psychological studies finds that people who have been abused by their love ones finds it hard to run and leave - please break free and stop being one of those people

- When they cannot appreciate anything about you, anymore..
talk it out with them. if it dont work, please leave

WHY DO PEOPLE FIND IT HARD TO LET GO?
- like me, HE HAS GIVEN ME COMFORT BEYOND YOUR WILDEST THOUGHTS.
this is why i found it hard to let go at that time. here i am now, assertive and mature enough to say that I HAVE STOP BEING IN love with him.

- you are so used to the past

- you love them tooo much
this is the most cliche

- you lost our virginity to them
this is it, i know of a lot of girls who find it hard to let go cos they lost their V to that boy

HOW TO (TRY) TO LET IT BURN?
i took this from ehow.com - but i kind of find it useless, but maybe it can work on some of you. so im not spoiling that opportunity.

Due to Copyright issues... i cannot copy and paste it here. so i want you all to do is to go to THIS LINKS.
1 - how to get over your ex
2 - how to put the past relationship in the past

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5 REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD LET IT BURN.

please read at this site - CLICK ME

So to sum up everything, i want to end with these words...

"ex flames are like wounds. they leave scars. the healing process is slow, painful and itchy. with time though it will just be a scar; a lasting memory of what cannot be undone, and what used to be. a scar we always choose to hide, and live in shame of once seen. a scar, we wished we never had." - jan rick mascarina

"well, some remains good friends with u , some u really jaz wanna forget" - patricia cahigas

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST...

In forgetting them...
There are many other places you can get help.There are many other ways you can do it.
But nothing can be done without you wanting it... - mary jean bautista...

INTRODUCTION TO A "NEW' BLOG

2007-07-11T21:29:00.000+08:00

let's take this as a welcoming NOTE.

so WELCOME!
this 'old' blog will be a new link as missjean part (ii) comes to life.
so i was thinking that this link should be done so as to separate my post.
so this blog will be more on the FEATURED topics - pics, notes, stories, the likes...
i hope that you will enjoy reading no matter how long these coming entries will be.
well anyway, if you feel that you want me to talk about something or issues, do let me know.
just click on the MAIL ME button or u can tell me thru the tagboard.
the NEXT FEATURE will be on EX FLAMES/LOVERS.

so as soon as i am able to find the time, be ready to be updated.
=))

the wish

2007-06-27T14:20:00.000+08:00

the wish

how do i start
i know nothing of it
i cant seem to form words
words that make wishes happen
wishes that take breath away
that makes it so natural to make

i cannot foresee if wishes are granted
i cannot accept it if things just lay wasted
and then you came
i was filled with surprise
i think it's you...

you're the wish i didnt know of
as the wind brushes past my face
and all the rhythm of my songs gone
i cant wish for anything more but just be happy
long as it is my wish lasted only moments
but i appreciate it cos i knew what happiness really was...

dreams

2007-06-25T15:12:00.000+08:00

everything a blur whenever there are dreams that are unwanted to me.
many things are such irritants when i cannot comprehend them and im ended confused.
i need more of it in reality to let me see reason.
im a good dream interpretor if need be, but sometimes i cannot accept it as they are if they happen to me.

as i awake after each dream.
i realize that i dont really want to comprehend them.
sometimes, a part of me cant see reason as to why i am made like i am.
i can see and understand things without any consultations.
when something comes to question, i dont know how i get my knowledge about my knowledge.
i hope that i can get those questions answered sometimes.
i dont know why.

dreams are just a dimension away from reality.
remember that.

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

2007-06-11T22:09:00.000+08:00

ANYWAYS, THE ANSWER TO THE QUIZ

QUESTION #1
List according to your preference these following animals -
IT LIST THE PRIORITY IN YOU LIFE - SUBCONSCIOUSLY

- COW represent CAREER
- TIGER represent PRIDE
- SHEEP represent LOVE
- HORSE represents FAMILY
- PIG represents MONEY

QUESTION #2
Describe each animals
THE DESCRIPTIONS ON THESE ...

- DOG implies your personality
- CAT implies your partner's personality
- RAT implies your view on your enemies
- COFFEE implies how you interpret sex
- SEA implies how your life is like and is gonna be like

QUESTION #3
Think of someone whom you know and you can associate with this colours
- YELLOW - a person whom you wont forget
- ORANGE - a person you consider your true friend
- RED - a person you really love
- WHITE - your twin soul
- GREEN - a person you will always remember for the rest of your life

COOL AINT IT?
now spread the word!
hees...
muahs

Mistakes?

2007-05-09T22:25:00.000+08:00

I dont know if it was right. I dont even know if it was wrong.
It pisses me off to the part where i just want to press refresh and just try to forget all.
I know that i still love him but i guess i am just wasting my time.
It's like im the only one trying to pull him back and then im the only one even trying to see things clearly.
I feel as if what im trying to do is getting no where. I'm getting tired even of thinking about it.
I'm just so out of place. There are many times that i felt so high up and then he just bring me down so low.
I know it was my fault for just leaving him be but i left him because just need to be left be.
I said to myself that i can survive without him, but then again i just end up needing him more months after.
I am ashamed of myself. I realize that Love is truly uncontrollable.
I WANT to get over him and to just love him as a mere friend, but I CANT.
ishk! Feelings and MEMORIES are so hard to rid off.
Whenever i tried to push it away, it makes it much harder to pull through.
And im not seeing the right point of pulling through anymore.

But what i did days before, i dont know if i was mad to do that.
Also, i dont know why i did or say what i say.
I hate that... !!!!

I need a miracle to make this through.
I need a way to say goodbye without not being such a bitch again. haha.
but yes, indeed, i admit it that i do love him oh so much... still.
no one can take that away except Fate and Time... even i cant force it away..

going off now... ciaos

sick

2007-05-04T20:58:00.000+08:00

i usually last till Friday night and then i get weak till i cant get up, so i just end up lying on my bed and not even with enough energy to get up!
but this week i it took its toll on me one day and a half earlier. hate it!

i read my previous entry again and i realize that somehow i forgot to note that i do love that ex flame until now, but it is as a friend. it wont be fair if i have to say that i love LOVE him. (you all know what i mean)
well, i thought about it. if i have to keep having him in my mind and that he is the only one who i think i can love, i think i wont end up with any other guy! ahhaha.
gosh. i think i wont mind giving another guy another chance this time. gosh.

this time though, if i ever have the time for love now...
**now im feeling sick again! got to go. ciao

about love

2007-05-02T22:25:00.000+08:00

i love the fact that i know that i still love the one that i still loved before.
i know it sounds crazy but i would have to say that i am happy that once in my lifetime, i know the real meaning of how love was suppose to be.
that it isnt meant to be selfish and it should always be something that brings positivity to you.
no matter how memories saddens you about that of love, no matter how emo you feel.
love is something that still puts that smile on your face even tho you both know that you cant go on... anymore... at least for now.
for my case, i do feel certain emotions that i cant get rid of, i just feel that there are many other ways to express that feelings, even from afar.
i must be crazy still loving my old flame. but he is more than a flame. he was my pillar who took me away from my darkest days.
he was the one who brought me to tears but yet, he was the one who saved me from more tears and more aches.
he was everything that i hated and he was everything that i loved.
so go figure about why our relationship come to end...

but that is the past.
no matter how much he still hold that spark in my heart, i will be happy where he is most happy.
if he is happy away from the girl who delibrately hurt him and who chose to be ignorant to his feelings, then i will understand. he has hurt me too that is true, but i must admit that no matter how unaffected he was, i know that he felt something.
but if ever one day he still calls out for me, i will try to make it out for him.
this time though, things will be much better. BUT, that will be IF it ever happen.
for now, my concentration is for my studies and then my friends.
memories are just things that will make one reminisce about the past - either to release sorrow or to just smile about.

=) this is somehow the things that goes through my mind.
now you ask if there is other guys in my life, no, not really.
the guys in my life are just mere friends. somehow, i havent seen another idiot who is willing to tolerate my nonsense. haha. at least not yet.
there are those who wanted to try but i just cant find myself to accept them. i dont know why.
my godmum told me that she knew it is because of the ex. then again i think... and then i wonder.
maybe... hmms. but most probably, i guess i just need to have something in them that i can really be attracted to... hmms.
i dont know... hmms THE EX-FACTOR... hahaha.

=)) well, as updated, i have to end here.

brain and the heart

2007-04-23T02:24:00.000+08:00

The things that bother everyone else do not lie in terms of how life is meant to be but more to us having led it the wrong way. There are many other factors that make us in the rut we are sometimes stuck in. Those of which are the realities how much we let others into our life so much as they dictate even most intimate things like our feelings and how we have to approach things. We can never really predict the way things work, how fate establish itself to our life and how important others may become to us.
There are many of us, even myself, who let small emotional rut to rule their life and affect them so easily. I was in the same situation such as I have stated but so far I have not encountered another moment in which I let myself too deep into someone anymore as I was before with a particular person who was once always around, hovering in and out of my life, either to bring me so much happiness and much love or to just plainly disappoint and hurt me so much.
After that particular incident, I admit I was never the same again. I call it withdrawal from future pain or should I say it is a delay from future hurt? No matter what I know that I am still safe for now. I do not lay down my pride for anyone else anymore, apart from those who have really loved me so much such as my family and my old-time friends. With girls who have encountered such emotional damage from the one person that they have truly loved, please, I stress that you should never ever blame it to the love that you both shared. Things are meant to end when it is suppose to and love does not hurt. Feelings don’t hurt anyone unless you lose control of it. We are the masters of our emotions and we are much stronger using our mind despite having to be too practical.
You see feelings are not practical. Our feelings instruct us to do things that even though we know are wrong, we still carry them out. Let’s take for example Anger. It is never a good thing but why can’t we eradicate it? Also, let us compare the heart and the brain. Which one is bigger? The brain is it not? But why is it that if the heart itself cease working, the body dies. Also, why is it that when the brain has ceased functioning we are still alive? Really now, isn’t it all too confusing which one is really the most important?
So then I conclude this entry just by saying that the heart and the mind works in pair.
So when you are using too much of your heart, you are being a brain-dead. But when you are using too much of your head, you are just killing yourself. Makes sense?

changes

2007-04-15T22:27:00.000+08:00

there are many things that made my emotions grow stronger against going back to him.
a lot difference in opinions and ideas surges through me and i cannot overlook the fact that i had undergone another phase of which is the sign of really just letting go and moving forward, but there is still that love for him.
i wont deny that.
but now, things have been really good and tears rarely fall for him anymore.
no matter how much emotional my life can be, my smile just forces those woes to vanish.
i appreciate the many people who are entering my life and giving me the encouragement to be their reason to laugh and smile.
i have to uphold the label that these people are giving me - "the exciting one" .
im obviously flattered, no doubt. but how long can i even give a full smile.
but im sure these smiles will last and i have no fear to show my other side - my gloomy side.

if worst comes to worst, im prepared. but i wont let myself be distracted.
no more.
no way.
no thanks.
i have broken free and i will never let myself be imprisoned in whatever commitments that can just hurt me again.

im stubborn so i dont really learn my lesson, but i thank GOD that with my thick skull,
i manage to suck in some things that is taught to me by life.
**there is more to love than being in love.
i believe that with love, we can do so much, such as, letting go and moving forward.
being in love dont really let things grow.
so why cant we just love each other, and just stop being in love ?
get the meaning?
okay, if not, i shall elaborate ;
when u love someone, you want them to be happy and you can bear to lose them for the time being if that is what makes them really happy.
but, when u are IN LOVE with that person, you might only think that they want to move away from you cos they dont love you anymore.
that even tho they are not happy in the relationship, you still want to keep them and wont have enough love to set them free and fly away.

my motive is to let you know people, that i have moved far away from being in love.
now, i have that love for him.
that even tho i have someone else to hold me, i will still be there for him if he ever calls on me.
i will render my shoulders and my hugs.
i will give my all for him to just get over his crisis.

now i have to go.
the night is getting older.
the moon is passing by fast.
sleep is calling my presence.
i shouldnt resist it cos my lifestyle have change and will remain as so in months and years to come.

*loved.

to you once again

2007-04-05T14:48:00.000+08:00

i dont know what's worst, to not have you with me completely or to keep hearing that you havent forgotten about US but we cant be together again.
that somehow you still think that it is an impossible goal now.
i dont quite agree. if you really can prove yourself to me, i will be happy to give us another try...
im always like that, whether in relationship or friendship wise, im quite generous with chances.

when he told me all the things you said, i admit that i wanted to just run to you and make things right.
but then if anything happen we will regret it. i KNOW we will.
no matter how much i still ache for you, i believe that our time is not now.
and if we survive through it all, we are worth it and then you will know how fated we really are.
im not saying that we really are, apart from those premonitions i have about you, i still want to see if it is really so...
but once again, i say it here, IM SORRY I HAD TO LEAVE.
it isnt because i didnt love you mi amor.
i did and will always do.

so the worst isnt the worst, there's more to come.
what if i have met my real competition in him. yes he can cant get over the memories but what if this is the girl who can make him just truly forget me.
i mean for him i will be happy, but what about for me? well i will feel shitty for a while but then as usual with me, i will adjust to the stimuli.
but then a very good friend and GOD do witness to what i said.
if whatever it is, i will know what to do...
** i pray for courage and for the chance to go well with.

but i know that through it all, we can pass this. we can just have our own moment again.
i meet you in my dreams quite frequent of the late. sometimes, it is me pulling away.
sometimes, it is him pulling away.
then there are times that we both just succumb to it.
but i really do miss you...
and i do understand now that it is hard for you to be my friend.
but till when can you stomach me? till when.

**i just need to hold you again in my arms.
but then again, i dont want to make you be in sucha shitty dilemma.
next time, we'll have our time again my love. **

love love love

to daryl

2007-03-29T01:36:00.000+08:00

sometimes, i would wish that i never left that time.
i would wish that you are never apart from me.
i would wish that we still are together now.
i would wish for a lot...
but then it would mean that i just want to run away from all things.
all the things that are consuming me.
the things that are so itching me the wrong way.
i have to say that no matter what i do, i still have you in my heart.
that can never be taken away from me.
no matter how much you pull away.
no matter how much you control yourself.
but everything is done and no matter how much i try, i can never change the situation.
yes i met new people, i develop new ways and i have new habits.
and still i havent drive that feelings i have for you.
i like someone new but you are still the one who lives in my heart.
tears that drop have your name written in it.
all the memories that i cherish are you in it.
why are you so hard to forget even though you have hurt me so much.
then i think maybe it is because of all the things we shared.
of all the times that you were there for me.
of all the times you are ever ready to choose me over anyone.
i really miss you.i really really do.
it's hurting me that you are so so so out of my reach.
yes, being together is an impossible goal for you now.
but why cant we be just normal friends?
it hurts more not having you in my life than having to pretend that we can be really good friends.
im so so sorry for leaving.
i meant to do so, i just had to.
we need space to grow.
but yes, i know that i should have explained to you.
ive said goodbye loads of time, but failed.
i should have taken that hint that we should never say goodbye.
i didnt because i so wanted to prove to you that im capable of doing so.
but then again, im wrong.
as always.
you know i can survive without you, but always not for long.
im just foolishly in love and stuck on you.
i admit that to you and to my readers now.
but get this, im just letting out what im feeling now.
im not saying that you should consider being with me again.
no no no.. i just want to say, that my heart is aching for you...
for your friendship, for your presence.
im just so so sorry for the past...

**to the one who is still in me. the one who gave me so much pain and oh so much love.

perseverance,dedication,concentration

2007-03-27T01:39:00.000+08:00

i was typing away on the SISTERS BLOG , telling them to start sketching their goals in life.
then it hit me that i am right right to tell them to do so.
ever since i started having some difficulties(of which i wont touch on), i realise that working towards your goals just makes you feel secured.
having goals to look forward to just makes life more bearable..
that is because you know what you want to see at the end of the tunnel.
it coincides with the saying, YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.
i do believe in that.
i didnt have the expected o levels aggregate score at all and i didnt land myself in a poly which my teachers greatly recommend for me.
i didnt get the desired points that the teachers has set for my standard.
im not saying that im a genius or anything, it's just that more of me was expected.
but i let that expectations down.
then so i realise that expectations and goals is never the same.
before this revelation, i used to torture myself due to the expectations set on me.
here are the expected points of mine of each subject during the o levels,
English - A1
Maths- A1
Science- chem A1, Phy A2
POA- A1
Social Studies-B3/B4

now look at my actual results,
English- C5
Maths- C5
Science- B4
POA- C6
Social Studies- C6.

see the difference? i do.
this is the result of having too much expectations to think of.
this is the product of not having goals!
because expectations show nothing of goals.
it shows mirage on the road.
it shows no light at the end of the struggle for the o levels(tunnel).
this shows that expectations doesnt ignite perseverance, it just tire people out.
expectations should just be set according to the goals that we are working towards.
and so i teach you PERSEVERANCE here.

i didnt have enough encouragement that could enlightened the struggle i felt.
instead i got too tired of the expectations that i hardly even realise that my dedication for my studies was slacking.
i wasnt consistent at all.
also, the teachers have too high a standard for me that they didnt see the laziness that has developed.
instead, they saw someone who is just being too complacent.
in fact, i think they didnt even see that i lack motivation.
but the blame should never be put on them.
it was me to be blamed for. i didnt put on enough dedication into my work, that's why i lost out.
that's why im learning and so i teach you DEDICATION here.

with all the lack of motivation being the product of some emotional distress,
i was on the verge of really breaking into pieces.
i was already fragile at that point but then i didnt break apart.
and i didnt break away from the one who made me so fragile.
i didnt think, i keep feeling and it caused me so much hurt to keep feeling.
then i realise that i have to just put my brain to use.
that it is best to stop listening to Ms Heart for the time being.
i was out of the path that i should be walking on.
instead i wandered out of the pavement, walked into the dangerous road of love.
i almost died when i got hit by one of the cars that drove past.
and so i learn that CONCENTRATION on that goal will be much useful than just having perseverance and dedication alone.
so i teach it here...

so good luck sketching your life.
live up to your goals and dont be swayed from your ambition, no matter who you are with.
remember, they are not worth it if they are the obstacles to your goals.
but if they are there to give you motivation and respects that you need your room to achieve your goals, always give them your time when you have it.
even just a single sms a day, at least let them feel that you havent push them aside.
yes, goals and careers are very important but that shouldnt be the reason why we push love away when it wont harm us.
just make sure that nothing sway us from that goal, doesnt mean that i must sway ourselves from being emotionally happy.
ensure only that when you start being emotionally distress, think on it and then release them and break away if you cant work things out.
also, i suggest you both have your space away from each other to see how much you still want to be with them.
the thing is, anticipate all things!
good or bad... just anticipate.

i leave you all now here.
think on it and remember, have goals that are achievable eventually.
it will make you more happy if you have worked your ass to achieve something!
have a great day.
till the next entry then...
take care.

love love,
mj

beginning and ending, co-existence

2007-03-17T01:20:00.000+08:00

everyday, the sun comes up the horizon and brings light to all.
it acts as the start of a new day and it can never be replaced because the beginning is always essential to every ending.
day in and day out, every ending comes after the beginning.
without either one, there will never be both.
but as i think about it, co-existence is something that everyone undergo in their life.
humans, animals, plants... they survive cos they co-exist with one another.
even with the sun and moon, they co-exist.
the sun can never reflect its own light to produce the night sky.
without the moon, there would never be the period called NIGHT.
also, without the sun, the moon can never ever shine in the night.
scientifically we know that the biggest mirror ever is that moon.
it reflects the sun and thus produces the disc up there in the night sky.
now, i want to deduce this entire paragraph.

basically, im talking about beginning and ending, and co-existence.

about the beginning and ending, i am saying all that because someone i have thought that i have learnt to care for, is really moving away from me.
im feeling the distance that he has put between us.
i am quite used to it. he isnt the first so im not grieving.
i have learnt to let go of that one person who i loved the most, who i sacrificed for a lot.
this time, i will never ever pine for the presence of someone who motion this distance due to something that i have sought ammendments for.
the previous loved one whom i just mentioned i learnt to let go didnt accept my motion for reconcilation too.
he seem still wounded from all that has happened between us.
he still harbour hatred and anger against me.
me who isnt the cause he and i have to break apart.
it was he who made me do so.
i was the one who lost out a lot in our relationship.
but then there comes co-existence...
you see, without him being that way to me, i would not be strong as i really am now.
i have always been strong but not in terms of fully recovering from a failure in the love department.
the previous loved one has made me realise what i should be, what i can be.
i thank GOD for that experience with him because another guy whom i have quite recently started liking is moving away from me because of something i did.
i was in the wrong, i admit.
but partially, it was his fault too.
he didnt make me feel that i am something more to him.

anyway,
this recent guy, he mirrored me.
i felt his existence in my life made me realise how the guys feel whenever i mistreat them.
it made me realise that a simple gesture can stir guys' emotions.
as always, even if i am out with somebody i see quite special, i will be on the phone, either answering smses or just attending to a call that can be delayed.
i didnt see that it is something hurtful or it can even stir some uneasiness until when i met this recent guy.
i appreciate it... GOD i thank you.

in my own possible insane way, i have been recently leading a life not base on my principles.
but it is based on my experiences.
especially in the love department...
i have somehow forgotten to commit and to date one person at a time.
i admit recently i have been serial dating.
everyone is doing it, i know.
however, i still feel that GOD has given me too much signs to abandon that new ways.
after the part that recent guy moves slowly from me, i realise that i should just see one.
i am doing that now. so it is a motion to a start of the old new me.
i hope that heaven shines down upon me with sweet smile.

with love and hope... i deny deceit and betrayal...

love love,
mary jean